I can’t pinpoint exactly why I decided to write this. I guess it is the peace that has slowly integrated itself within me.
For the longest time, I was in a really bad place mentally. Not that I am magically cured, but I can list the thousands of times I have slept thinking of how cruel life is and that there is now way out. Especially for me being a muslim, this is just the begining. I would be scared of losing my faith in Allah. To block these thoughts, I indulged my self in my over the top personality and sought comfort in constant company.
That was the worst though. As soon as I was alone, it was like being hit with a train. As a muslim, my main go to line was the thought that Allah is not cruel. It was me that was in the wrong.
But recently, I begun to read the seerah of My prophet Muhammad. May Allah send peace and blessings upon him. I began to put my self in their shoes, how did they feel knowing their clan rejected them you know? Or losing their parents, wife, children, uncle. Being hurt physically and with cruel, cruel words. We read about these but we forget Muhammad (S.A.W) was human. If you are bullied in school for being different, imagine how that would effect your mentality. How you would feel? And Rasul (S.A.W) made it you know. So then I came to the conclusion, life is cruel. But there must be a reason. Fighting with our selves, what is the point??
And thats when I developed an epiphany of sorts I guess. Looking at the most beautiful moments of life you know. The few times you are genuinely happy. I guess, my test from Allah is being grateful for these moments even when I feel alone. Because Allah did not abandon the Prophet, and nor will he abandon me. One thing we have in common, Allah is both his god and mine.
I remember some one once told me commiting suicide is selfish. Because of the effect it has on the people you leave behind. And for the longest time , I hated this. How would that person be selfish if they spent their entire life suffering and no one cared. Now I guess I understand.
By the morning light.
And the night as it covers you.
Your Lord did not abandon you nor did he forget.
And verily the second life, the hereafter is better for you than the first.
After years of dealing with issues, this has been my sole comfort. I have gone off on a complete tangent and nor even wrote my initial thoughts. Now I am debating whether it is wise to publish something so private. But I will do it, so I can look back one day and see how I have grown.
تیرے نام سے ہے سکون دل